Perfect Couple
So here’s the Episode 1 I watched last night on Netflix.
So the story starts as we meet some family of rich assholes in a mansion in Nantucket which is a dumb name for a place.
They are having breakfast and discussing the wedding plans for one of the sons.
We are quickly introduced to the main characters in the family and their key personality traits so the writers can presumably totally subvert these in later episodes as it’s a murder mystery, whoa.
So anyway, this family of shits is made up of:
Mom: Nicole Kidman, seems to be a cunt, is a writer of novels and such.
Dad: He’s called ‘Tag’ for some fucking reason and is played by Sabertooth from the X-Men with a SEVERE case of fucking sun damage, like this guy has the face and neck of an 80 year old long haul trucker wtf.
Eldest Son/brother: Discount Chris Pratt, you may remember him from being sodomized and murdered in Sweden in some shit ass wicker man rip off a decade ago.
Middle Son/Brother: Called Benji, is the one getting married, he’s kinda gay and we know that he’s artsy and sensitive as he wears clothes covered in carefully placed paint daubs to breakfast (and seemingly at all times), something that people definitely do for sure.
Youngest Son/brother: Zoomer - has just been dumped by his GF or something, will probably bang some old MILF or do an INCEL shooting in later episodes.
So that’s the nuclear family, then we have.
Discount Chris Pratt’s wife: Cunt
Bride to be: Some incredibly mid bitch, she’s probably a good match for Soy Artist, who the fuck knows.
Plot Synopsis
(this is just from memory could well be in the wrong order or missing some things).
- Breakfast (as above)
- Other characters are introduced
- Someone is murdered OMG
- Police start interviewing everyone for free exposition
- Flashbacks leading up to discovery of body at end of episode.
Other characters that are introduced thru the episode
Characateur Slavic or Russian housekeeper: seems like she can be relied upon to keep a family secret if you catch my drift.
Maid of Honor: - Some blonde chick who is also clearly not up the social standard of this family.
Odd plastic faced family friend? Maybe supposed to be Spanish, previously known for appearing in Escape from LA.
Wedding planner: - Most likely gay and possibly may have an affair with Tag.
Bride to be’s parents: - Poor, Mom has cancer and wears a wig, they bring a fruit basket from 7-11 as a wedding gift which does not go down well.
Local Police Chief: - Token black guy as this series has a serious lack of diversity due to plot and location.
Best Man: - This MF is called ‘Shooter’ he’s probably Indian or whatever (see above) - he knows the family already so no doubt will fuck some or all of them over later due to some shit that happened 10 years ago or something.
FED Investigator: -Some hatchet faced middle aged woman.
OK, so these pricks are introduced throughout the episode, let’s break down some key scenes I remember that these talented writers did an amazing job on.
Bride to Booba
Bride to Be is established as a carefree quirky character that’s ‘Not Like Us’ - this is played on throughout the episode but the key scene is when Soy Artist has left her a love note before she wakes up (this probably takes place before breakfast in flashback I think). So it’s on her pillow and she reads it and she’s super happy, but wait a motherfucken Ladybug is on the pillow and crawls on the note! Could this be a sign or portent?
We will have to wait for later episodes of writing genius to find out, but for now we can surmise she cares a lot about insects and is thick as pig shit, why? Well, she scoops up the LB and like runs thru the house with it downstairs to release it into the wild, does this bitch not know how to open a window, there was one literally a meter away in the bedroom? So she thrusts the insect outside into the midst of some wedding setup going on under the supjrsvion of Nicole Kidman.
This love of insects (BTW she’s a vet) could be cute but in her haste she forgot she was wearing only a bra, so she bounds thru the house and outside with literally her only redeeming features on full display. Nicole Mom is aghast etc, she gave the bitch a robe to wear for christ sakes!
Tag has been naughty
In this scene Nicole Mom gets a visit from the family jeweler who is probably checking about the wedding ring or something I don’t remember. Anyway, she’s like ‘Oh, you don’t like that last bracelet o made for you?’. Nicole Mom is like WTF but keeps a poker face.
She then goes to Tag’s office and lo and behold, she finds not only a receipt for an $18K bracelet but a picture of it with the receipt! How fucking convenient, now she knows exactly what the very distinctive bracelet looks like, I wonder if she will see someone wearing it in a later episode!? Jesus. So anyway she’s now in an icy mood and we’ve established a couple of key plot points I guess? Firstly their marriage isn’t as perfect as it appeared at breakfast, and secondly, I assume she must be the brains of the outfit as if I was planning to cheat on my celebrity writer wife in a high profile society relationship I would sure as fuck use the family jeweler to make an $18k bracelet for my side piece and then put the receipt and photo of it barely concealed in my open office. I wonder is there is more to this than its seems, those tricky tricky screen writers.
Murder happens
Not much else to say about this, a body is discovered, we do not know who but assume its Bride to Be, The Fed lady arrives on the scene.
Commence police interviews
The Fed Lady and Token Black Police Chief interview the housekeeper, the wedding planner, Discount Chris Pratts’ bitch wife, the plastic entity and maybe someone else. The keen eyed will notice they do not interview the Bride to Be.
The various characters provide their insights into the other characters. The odd thing is they all seemingly agree on literally everything and ALL liberally swear, throwing fucks around like none were given.
The most implausible part of these scenes is that Tag is described by everyone as smoking hot, ‘fuckable’ and even as a ‘DILF’. Now look, no disrespect to Sabertooth, but his healing and regenerative mutant powers clearly failed at some point. Not sure if this is a case of mis casting but what is being described by the writers very clearly does not match what the viewer is seeing with their own eyes - a 60 year old boomer/chimpanzee hybrid. Anyway, whatever.
Meet the parents
Bride to Booba’s boomer parents arrive on some ferry and we waste some time driving them back to the mansion so they can be ridiculed for their pathetic gift.
Number One Son
In this scene Discount Chris Pratt strolls down to the beach to take Tag a beer. Tag is working on some shit looking canoe and smoking a joint. DCP hits him up for a loan as he ‘got in a bit too deep on some futures options’. Tag cleverly uses the building of his canoe as an allegory to tell DCP he’s a useless piece of shit, but keeps the beer anyway, cheeky fuck.
Shooter and the Bride
So BTB was talking to Maid of Honor by the pool earlier and expressed she had reservations as Soy Artist didn’t give her the necessary ‘tingles’ she requires (I missed that scene out it was shit anyway). Later she’s in her bedroom looking out of the fucking ladybug freedom window which is wide open now and she sees Maid and Shooter frolicking in the pool. Shooter is RIPPED, I mean this guy redeemed the juice Sar! His 3D technical Anavar Abs send her into a kind of trance and it’s clear she’s imagining being roughly manhandled by homie. This makes her feel weird as it’s obvious she’s a complete bitch and is probably coming to terms with it.
Anyway, Soy Artist comes into the bedroom and he’s got a canvas with him. He presents her a portrait of her as an ode to his love - it’s legit fucking awful but she loves it probably idk.
Then they start to get steamy but it seems like BTB can’t get those Shooter abs outta her mind. They are about to go at it and the little minx seems to want doggy style but Soy Artist doesn’t seem comfortable with that so he kinda turns her around and instigates vegan approved Missionary. This gives her The Ick on a massive scale and she basically snaps shut like a Nantucket Clam and tells hm to fuck off.
The Body
BTB is on the beach for some reason maybe she ran out of the room in an Ick panic I can’t remember, anyway its dusk and she discovers Maid of Honors body in the sea, so it wasn’t her that was murdered, plot twist my G.
Poo or Continue?
This wasn’t that bad not gonna lie, but I have more episode ones to watch as I literally made this website on a whim about 2 hours ago and I can’t waste the $2.99 domain name.