You may be wondering why I’m writing an episode 1 review of Lost in 2024 when this shit came out in 2004, well because it just showed up on my Netflix feed so I guess it’s new there? I never watched it before as in 2004 as I had better things to do and also didn’t have cable TV or whatever, so yeah, fuck you.
Anyway, I have no idea what this shit is about other than it was famous as fuck and it’s about being lost on an island.
Well here we go…
Things kick off when we find some dude wearing a shitty suit and phat tie coming around from unconsciousness in some jungle, he looks fucked and he’s covered in blood.
He’s obviously pretty freaked out as he has no idea where the fuck he is presumably, so gets up and takes stock of the situation and discovers he has a mini Smirnoff vodka in his pocket, bonus, also he might be an alco?
He sees some doggo which runs off that probably has some implication later but who knows as this shit appears to have 6 seasons so I’m not likely to find out.
Anyway he starts sprinting thru the jungle for no apparent reason and ends up in a nice looking tropical beach, OK.
Suddenly he hears screams and stuff so he starts looking around and holy shit it’s carnage all around him there’s bits of smoking plane wreck and dead and injured fuckers as far as the eye can see.
He starts sprinting to some guy who’s trapped under a propellor with a fucked leg, so then we discover he’s a Dr or something and he’s helping the guy get out from under the propellor with some young chad he starts ordering around like a Mac D’s employee.
He’s doing a solid job but gets distracted by some blonde chick who’s also in distress. He makes the only correct decision and abandons the poor fuck with half a leg to die and goes to help the hot girl, and guess what, she’s fucking pregnant.
There’s a lot going on now with various bits of plane doing crazy shit in CGI that looks like doghshit even for 2004. Survivors are running around everywhere and the set piece is some expendable prick gets literally sucked into a propellor that somehow still fucking running and absolutely minced which I’m pretty sure is fucking unlikely because physics and stuff but this is thepilot episode so they went all in.
So, not sure what the fuck is going on after this, there’s some mild character introduction and development the one I remember is the guy who looks like a Sasquatch who’s like super sweet and helpful to preggo lady and stuff. I hope this fat guy doesn’t turn out to be an evil prick later as he’s genuinely quite endearing, but god help the unfortunate soul who was seated next to this behemoth on the plane and is now probably plotting to kill him.
So Dr guy basically runs around taking charge and being a prick to everyone then he remembers he has injuries that would have disabled any normal human hours ago so for plot reasons we need to resolve that.
To do this he sort of wanders off to a clearing to take off his shirt. It should be noted at this point that he wears a t-shirt under his business shirt which is a sure fire sign that he’s a complete cunt with no fashion sense but we will give him a pass for now as his back is FUCKED with deep slashes.
By sheer luck an attractive female survivor wanders into his jungle surgery and he enlists her to stitch up his back with a sewing kit that somehow appears was probably in someone’s luggage? So using the vodka as anesthetic new love interest stitches him up, Remarkably this is no problem and he’s good as fucking new 2 mins later.
During this surgical procedure we find out his name is Jack and the woman is Kate, for some reason he tells her a rambling story about how he fucking butchered some poor girl before and then makes an aeroplane out of a leaf that just fucking appears in his hand, when did he have time to do this?
It’s then probably night time and everyone hears some crazy shit like a T rex stomping around in the bushes or something but they don’t really give a fuck for some reason.
We then get a flash back of Dr Jack on the plane and discover he got the Mini Smirnoff by flirting with an Aussie trolley dolly before the plane crashed establishing him as not only a medical professional and possible alcoholic, but also a certified player, what’s not to like about this guy?
Dr Jack then decides he needs to find the plane transponder from the cock pit which he knows all about because umm, he ‘did a couple of flying lessons’, fuck, is there anything this hero can’t do? Anyway, Kate thinks if over yonder as she saw some smoke earlier so Kate steals a dead guys hiking shoes and off they fuck, picking up some annoying cunt who used to be in a band who insists on coming as a tag along.
It starts pissing down with rain immediately, so back at base camp the survivors try to find shelter under bits of place and whatnot. Some Korean couple find the best spot and when someone else tries to get under the shelter they shout at him in Korean probably translated as ‘fuck off and die over there!’ Pricks.
As a side note, whilst stealing the dead guys shoes Kate notices some weird fuck who looks like a balder version of Michael Douglas in Falling Down staring at her with an orange in his mouth. This weird fuck also appears later basking in the torrential rain like Buddha or some shit so we know he’s gonna be doing something crazy in later episodes probably.
The main story is with Dr Jack and Kate however as they discover the cockpit hanging in some trees. They climb up inside it using dead bodies as leverage and Dr Jack thoughtfully smashes the cockpit door open with a fire extinguisher or something because cockpit doors reinforced against terrorist attacks are weak as shit.
Anyway, Dr Jack clearly saw Kate was right in the line of the door climbing up and the plane is almost vertical but he smashes the shit out of the lock anyway with no fucks given and Kate narrowly escapes being destroyed by debris flying out of the door.
Inside they find a dead pilot, but wait, he’s fucking alive! He knows about transponders and tells them that before the crash they were 1000 miles off course and thus no help is coming, and the transponder is useless when he tries it.
About this time we go Jurassic Park with some huge stomping cunt going around the plane and primeval roars.
Everyone shits themselves obviously and tries to see what’s going on thru the windows. The pilot, who remember has literally just escaped death after being unconscious and trapped for 16 hours sticks his head out a fucking broken window. Unsurprisingly the T Rex or whatever the fuck, we don’t see it obviously for budget reasons, snatches the poor fuck as he drags him out of the window. I only hope this guy gets flashback roles in later seasons because he went out like an absolute sucker.
So they somehow exit the plan after DR Jack grabs the transponder with huge effort despite knowing it’s useless? and starts running like fuck while the T Rex probably chases them idk but it doesn’t matter as they are scared shitless.
The extra guy they picked up for this mission fumbles it and gets his leg trapped in some vines the useless fuck. Kate runs on while Dr Jack heroically returns to assist this useless cunt.
Anyway they get separated and Kate eventually finds extra guy and then Dr Jack kind of appears just when they thought he’d been eaten or something.
They stare down into a pool of water for no reason so they can see the reflection of the dead pilot who has been artfully massacred and hung in some trees above their head.
Poo or Continue.
This did vaguely hold my attention but twenty years later I don’t think I will be committing to 6 seasons of this shit.